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Horrendous hostess gifts guaranteed to offend
With the holiday season upon us, many of us will be traveling to stay with family and friends.
God bless us, every one.
I don't often host overnight visitors because with three kids, multiple pets, and all my husband's body hair, we just don't have the room. But a few years back one of my sisters-in-law and her husband stayed with us for a long weekend and gave me a lovely set of soaps and bath salts as a parting hostess gift. (Actual bath salts...not the street drug, unless I used them the wrong way, in which case, shame on me.)
My point is, I loved that gift. It was my sister-in-law's way of saying, "Hey, I know what a pain in the ass it is to properly host another family in your home for 4 days...there are beds to change, sheets and towels to wash, and my husband's toe nail clippings to sweep off your coffee table; so thank you. You are going to need a long soak in a hot bath by the time we leave here, so please allow me to make it an even more pampering experience for you."
That's how it's done, folks.
And it taught me that I had been doing it all wrong!
Hello. My name is Leslie, and I am a recovering Shitty Gift Giver.
Apparently, there is an unspoken rule that you should never, ever, ever give your hostess something she actually needs.
For instance, no matter how many times you've gotten diarrhea from your best friend's "famous" barbeque chicken, giving her a cookbook titled How To Not Give Your Guests Food Poisoning This Time, is a definite no-no.
True story: once, when I was a newlywed, my husband and I were invited to stay the weekend with his long-time friends, a married couple named Stan and Lois. While there, I noticed their guest bathroom shower curtain liner had seen better days, so I lovingly went to the store and bought them a new anti-microbial shower curtain liner, complete with metal grommets so it wouldn't rip from the top (again). As far as shower curtains go? It was awesome. It was the Rolls-Royce of shower curtains.
But as a hostess gift?
OMG.
You can probably imagine her reaction.
And really, can you blame her?
Whoever coined the phrase, "It's the thought that counts," has obviously never seen a woman receive a new shower curtain as a hostess gift from someone who just used her bathroom.
Hey, it could have been worse. At least I didn't give her a toilet brush and toilet bowl cleaner wrapped together in a festive bow with a CDC pamphlet on the dangers of sitting on a dirty toilet seat.
No, from now on, it's pretty soaps and bath salts from me. Or wine...a drunken hostess probably won't remember my awful manners.
Now let's be careful out there folks. May your holidays be merry, warm, and as inoffensive as possible!Products You May Also Like
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Comments (32)
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Report Wed Nov 21, 2012 - 9:28 amI'm no expert at hostess gifts, but I did send 2 new toilet seats from Home Depot to a high school principal after visiting the restroom at the school and being grossed out by all the cigarette burns on the toilet seats. I think my friends are scared to have me over for fear of what my hostess gift might be for them after that.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm
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Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 10:09 pmLast New Year's Eve a friend of mine from the city where I used to live stayed at my new house in the suburbs. I did the house tour. Opened closets, showed her space. Look, I have extra towels!...she brought me a hostess gift, a little box of fancy soaps. It was a memorable event because it felt very "adult like," until her husband left his camera at the house and I took suggestive pictures of food with it. But still, there was a rite passage there...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 21, 2012 at 1:54 am
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Wed Nov 21, 2012 - 12:05 am
The only solution to the hostess problem that I've found works for me is not being a damn hostess. Uh uh, I ain't got room for y'all.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Wed Nov 21, 2012 at 1:52 am
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Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 11:50 pm
I once got a pumpkin spice candle from a friend, and it is one of those huge jobbers with the 3 wicks. I thought WOW this is...big. Now, 2+ years later, every time I light it I get compliments on it. Thank you, friend!Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm
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Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 12:40 am
I'd take a new shower curtain, I wouldn't even be offended. But I'd rather have wine. Yeah, just give me some wine. It's all good.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:53 pm
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Report Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 6:47 pmOmg. OK, so I think you would have been alright if you (intentionally) ripped the old one even more so you could say you bought it as an "oops, I wrecked your curtain so here's a new one" gift . . . maybe? Who could get mad at that? HahaReply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:52 pm
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Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 8:26 am"shitty gift giver". Love it. Can I claim that for my Hobbit name? We know someone who gave their host a bottle of wine they'd got from a chic vineyard. The he charged him for it. 50 bucks. True story.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm
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Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 7:40 amApparently, I am a shitty house guest...I have NEVER given a hostess gift...no wonder I don't get invited back...because it can't possibly be because of my children who think fart jokes in the bathtub are funny (look, we come with our own bubble bath - pretty bubbles...)so, even with your Rolls Royce shower liner, you're STILL better at it than me!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:46 pm
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Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 6:18 amThis is why I don't have house guests.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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Report Tue Nov 20, 2012 - 3:47 amHilarious! I once received a hair removal kit for Mother's Day from my husband (now ex-husband of course). No shit, that was the worst one ever. Oh, wait a minute, the dust buster in the christmas stocking was pretty bad too. Good advice, Leslie :)Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Nov 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm
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Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 11:39 pm
My mother in law gives me those pumice stones you use for getting rings out of the toilet. I know I have toilet rings. I have 4 sons who don't know how to operate the toilet flush thing because it's not computerized. So I give her scented candles because her house smells like cabbage. And I say "these smell lovely and are excellent at masking weird cooking odors" What I really like to give/get are homemade cookies.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 11:45 pm
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Report Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 6:55 pmIt really could be worse... I clean. Nothing says "I love you and appreciate this, but you're kind of a disgusting slob." like cleaning someone's house while they're at work.Reply
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3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 11:01 pm
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Report Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 6:39 pmYou could always bring a TV like my MIL did. It was for the guest room she used. Then she took it away when she decided she no longer felt welcome in my home. Because I objected to her bringing her new puppy and letting it piss on the floor of the guest room. Hostess gifts can be complicated.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 11:01 pm
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Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 9:52 pm
Damn. That is all. (well intentioned, but dammmmmn;)Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Nov 19, 2012 at 10:58 pm
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