Sep 10
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When Facebookers attack
There was a photo going around Facebook last week of a mother posing with her four children presumably on the first day of school. The mom was jumping for joy in the air; the four backpack-clad kids were scowling (except for one, who was clearly trying not to laugh.)
The photo was "liked" and shared as though it were the cure for cancer.
But if you looked closer at the nearly ten thousand comments underneath the photo you would've seen something very unsettling churning below the surface-The Mommy Wars-yet again.
The vast majority of the comments were overwhelmingly positive: "Where is the LOVE button?" and "Yep, that was me last week!" for instance. But scattered between many approving quips were more than a few people, mostly women, expressing their disapproval of the mother in the photo.
The last time I wrote about The Mommy Wars I used humor to lighten the topic, poke fun at myself, and encourage a live-and-let-live attitude.
This time I'm not feeling quite so charitable or good-humored.
Frankly, I'm sick of Facebitches who clearly never learned the proverb "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Take Martha, who so condescendingly stated: "Sad in so many ways . . . When did children become a nuisance instead of a blessing? Some day your season of life as a mom will be over and you'll wonder where all that time went."
Really Martha? Well some day your season as a crotchety Facebook commenter will be over and you'll wonder why your husband is banging your next-door neighbor. Don't you have anything better to do besides rain on people's parades?
Lucinda snipped: "Even if this is a staged joke the mother should be ashamed. I hear too many parents at my son's school discuss their children like they are a burden. Maybe they should of really considered if parenting was for them before."
Really Lucinda? Well maybe YOU should have considered that "should of" isn't a phrase before you left such a judgmental and poorly constructed comment. I suggest you bone up on your grammar with some of the time you waste being such a snatch on Facebook.
A woman named Missy clucked: "How sad. We homeschool our children and consider it a blessing, joy and privilege to have them home with us. It is awesome to spend time with them and watch them learn!!"
Well isn't that nice Missy. How wonderful for you!! (Double exclamation points all around-whooohoooo!) Hey, do you have any openings in your homeschool classroom? Just curious, because my children need some tutoring in spelling bee strategies and feeling superior to others.
Mary tsk-tsked: "If she is so happy to see them go, why did she bother having them in the first place?"
Lovely. You know what Mary? Go scoop your litter box and call me after you've had a human child or FOUR. It's called satire. Look into it.
Listen Facebitches, it obviously doesn't take much courage or brainpower to talk smack about some anonymous mother behind her back. You want to pick a fight? Bring your judgmental and grammar-challenged ass over to my Facebook page and I'll show you what "Back-to-School" really means.
Comments (69)
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Report Tue Apr 9, 2013 - 1:39 pmIt was without question the most noxious, toxic, silent-but-violent fart I have ever successfully produced in my life. I'm surprised the duvet didn't melt and Health and Safety weren't called. I sat there, wondering if he'd developed a sudden head cold.I'll gave most important to my work and capabilities The Mediterranean climate will work to your advantage and will make your sailing vacation truly unforgettable.Reply -
Report Mon Oct 8, 2012 - 4:05 amI only have 3 words: I love this!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 26, 2012 - 5:42 amIf you love this you'll definitely love this blog: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ It really is just calling attention to all the overly crazy things people post on facebook once they become a parent.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 25, 2012 - 10:11 amThe gaggle of facebook bitches all miss one key thing: it's called sarcasm. Get with the pictureReply
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Report Wed Sep 19, 2012 - 11:47 pmGod, I love you.... I never understand the people that TAKE THE TIME to comment negatively.. If you don't like it.. go the fuck away.. it's that easy. And guess what else?? My kids ARE burdens! Not always.. but sometimes I wanna put those fuckers on a bus to Mexico. Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps.. but I'm guessing my kids are having more fun than those poor homeschooled bastards or the other lady's cats. That is all. Sincereley. HMM ;)Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:50 amI'm genuinely frightened by people like that. They must have so much repressed rage that they spend their free time pressing coal into diamonds with their sphincters. Which seems like a good thing at first, but once they run out if coal they probably have to pick up another stress-relieving hobby, like whittling animal bones into jewelry to sell on esty, or murdering hobos. They should just relax, vent about their kids, then drink too much wine and comment on Powder Room posts. Like the rest of us. Or maybe just me.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Danielle on Wed Sep 19, 2012 at 1:16 am
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Report Mon Sep 17, 2012 - 8:13 pmI love this post soooo much i want to makeout with it. I am so tired of facebitches too. Got my first hate mail last week over the title of my blog and how i'm a dumb bitch who shouldn't have been allowed to have kids if i think wine is more important than taking care of them! SERIOUSLY?? You rock for this post. I love you.Reply
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:48 pm
"The Mother Superior." That perfectly sums up a [now former] friend with whom I cut ties several months ago! I never could quite put my finger on what it was about her that always made me feel inferior as a mom since she was never actually overly critical or outright judgmental of me (at least not until she unloaded on me in a fallout e-mail and judged everything from my decision to work to my marriage). But now I see that it was her overall lack of humor and rigidity when it came to parenthood that rubbed me the wrong way. And yes, she was a Facebitch - albeit a different kind than the ones mentioned here. Instead of leaving snarky comments under other people's posts, she did the humble brag on her own page. I do not miss her at all.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by Sandy on Sun Sep 16, 2012 at 9:31 pm
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Report Sun Sep 16, 2012 - 3:59 pmI saw that picture and smiled :) - no matter how much we love our children and don't take the good moments for granted, an 8-week summer holiday is exhausting!Reply
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Report Sun Sep 16, 2012 - 3:28 pmGod to get those commenters and this author in one room. Would be gggrrreat! xReply
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Report Fri Sep 14, 2012 - 8:56 amThis post? Was pretty much... Perfect. I also saw that post and the dumb-ass comments and was thinking along the same lines as you. I just published a post on a related topic (two's enough) about 45 minutes ago which, if any of those facebitches read it, would probably be making the 'did-I-just-smell-poop?' face at what I had to say. Whatever. I'd rather be imperfect and real than a phony, pretentious bitch.Reply
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Report Fri Sep 14, 2012 - 7:55 amFacebitches is officially my favorite word ever.Reply
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Fri Sep 14, 2012 - 6:57 am
Listen, 226 people have "liked" this post on Facebook. 'Nuff said. On the first day of school I left a comment about being free, and of course, I got the token, "Really? Because I miss my little ~Insert nauseating pet name~ when she is at school. I count the minutes until she returns!" Oh yeah Facebitch, count the number of vomit puddles by my laptop after that comment! Loved this post! I swear, I could sing your praises all day!Reply -
Report Thu Sep 13, 2012 - 11:44 pmI want two things: a "LIKE" button for blog comments and t-shirts that say "FACEBITCHES" with a big red slashed circle over it!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 10:22 pmIt never ceases to amaze me what can be read into a snapshot of someone's life. The media are second to none at taking an otherwise innocent shot and writing a caption that turns it bad. But judging a mother based on a photo of what - if it wasn't staged - amounts to a second of her life is pretty ridiculous. But then I guess there are some out there who feel better about their own parenting if they feel that they are ahead of the rest of us. Love this post, it's made my evening!!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 8:46 pmYou're kinda my hero. Will you be President? like, of everything? please.Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 6:19 pmLove this post! Way to go! I see this often too and I wonder if these facebitches are this judgmental off of facebook. I mean I'm sure they are but do they have the balls to say things like this to someone's face.....I think not.Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 5:23 pmThis is awesome! The 'facebitches' will be used again :) People need to lighten the fuck up right? Funny, funny, funny.Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 6:43 amThis is so incredibly fabulous. We have all had our moments that we want to say exactly this. Why can people just shut their pie holes? You have no idea what it is like in my house with 5 kids under the age of 10 little miss Judgy McJudgerson. "go scoop your litter box" . Priceless. Thank you for this!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 4:33 amOh my god. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. No. I can't. I have work to do. And I should be getting it done because the kids are home from school, and their homework will soon turn into my homework, and they will soon start the bickering I heard all freaking summer long. I hate those Facebitches.. But I have to say that I get a kick out of reading the comments sometimes, just because I know I'll be sitting there saying, "Seriously, you need to get a life, sense of humor, dictionary, general sense of sympathy for other people, etc." Love you!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 4:17 amI LOVE IT! You have to copyright Facebitches! That rocks! I'm a mom of four and let me tell you I was trying to jump as high as that lady! Awesome. Good on you for calling out the poopy heads. Love love love this!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 2:52 amI wanted to post that pic SO bad, but as I am homeschooling for the first time it wasn't really relevant to my life, which made me so freaking sad and almost had me running straight to our shitty school to re-enroll my kids just so I could have that moment of mom joy! Facebitches. I heart that so much. Another reason you are my current mommy blogger crush!Reply
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Report Wed Sep 12, 2012 - 2:10 amI was gonna say I love you, but I see I was beaten to the punch. I still love you though. Seriously though? You need to trademark Facebitches. Best. Description. Ever.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 10:55 pmI love you. I snorted out loud when you called out Lucinda for being a snatch. /snort/ There I go again. I'm with you. Obviously humor is lost on these people. I have two children, whom I fought dearly to have. Doesn't mean they don't drive me to the edge and then give me a little shove after hours and hours of "family time". heh heh. You rock.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 7:53 pmI just died at FACEBITCHES. Had to post it on facebook for all my friends to see. GREAT POST!Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 7:07 pmFacebitches! Now THAT is awesome. I am so sick of all the pissy judgement as well. Some people really need a life if all they can do is be bitchy on Facebook.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:53 pmYou are my hero. I love my kids with all my heart, but I love them more when we've both had some alone time.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:37 pmI thought that pic was hysterical (but, then, my current favorite family photo is of us feeding my youngest to a dinosaur...). I love the term Facebitches, too. I'll freely admit that I used to homeschool (before becoming a single mom), and I'm sad when the kids go to school, because despite their faults and the attitude I get from them, I miss them. BUT - I still think the pic is hysterical, and I totally understand that there are other people who don't love having a house full of kids 24x7. *shrug* different strokes for different folks.Reply
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Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:04 pm
I spend my days being a referee to four kids (triplets age 6 and a girl age 4) fighting and screaming about who got to hold Barbie last, or because someone is holding "that" red crayon when there are 50 other red crayons still in the box. These women that are tsk-tsking need to come spend a week at my house before casting judgment on a mom who is being honest about needing a break. I was giggling like a school girl with a crush, when my kids started back this year. And I'm not ashamed or a bad mother because of it.Reply -
Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 4:19 pmOh I love you. xoReply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 10:18 amOh Iris, I do so love thee! My only wish is that you could've told them off face-to-face...with me standing by guffawing at the 'deer in the headlights' look on their bitchy, holier-than-thou faces when you're done with them!! You rock my world Iris! Muah! :-)Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 9:25 amI have to admit I was one of those moms, I didn't understand what the big whoop was about the kids going back to school until I became a work-at-home mom and then when school started, I was the one singing, "it's the most wonderful time of the year....." Give those women some time to have some reality and they will change their tune. We all just muddle through motherhood as best we can.....Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 9:10 amI Pink-Puffy-Heart you!!Reply
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Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 6:47 am
That's my girl. Also, I'm going to start telling people not to be such snatches. LOVE THAT. I'll do it all over my FB page. XOReply -
Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 5:13 amI hide ALL those Facebitches from my timeline. Can't stand 'em. Actually, I'm kind of down on FB right now anyway because of the types you listed above, but also the types that just see their status updates as a way to extol their perceived awesomeness. "I just ran 15 miles with no problem and I haven't run in 15 years!" "Abigail just made the honor roll - again!" "My husband just surprised me with flowers for the second time this week!" GAH!!!!!Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 3:48 amPersonally, I am always highly suspicious of parents who gush too much over their kids and are never heard to utter a negative word about them. No matter how much you love your kids, having them around the house all summer is tiring an hard work - unless you let them sit in front of the TV all day every day. Let's be real.Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 3:41 amOH yeah, shit just got real and I'm pushing up my sleeves, throwing my hair back in a scrunchy and heading on over to bitchslap a couple Facebitches for you. Well, if you need me to anyway. 'Atta girl Iris!Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 2:31 amOh.My.Bitches! You knocked it out of the park! For sarcastic women everywhere, I thank you.Reply
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Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 2:14 am
I tried to be nice. I tried to be quite.Reply -
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Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 1:21 am
You GO girl. I, too, am blown away when people judge rather than think.Reply -
Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 12:41 amIt is mind boggling that people do not see the humor in that photo! I think it was beyond obvious that, like you already said, it was meant to be taken with humor. I find it so sad that women are SO incredibly judgement of each other. We should be celebrating motherhood; the good and the bad TOGETHER! Supporting each other through the days when things aren't all butterflies and rainbows and more like shit, shit and more shit. Anyone who says that they've never wished they had an afternoon/day/night/weekend to themselves again, after having kids is a complete and utter liar. We all need a reset button; to find out who we are again. And I cannot believe they are defining her as a mother with one friggin' picture! What about all the other pictures with her lovingly adoring her children?!?! Get real people and give it a break! Great job IRIS! You rock... and I know where I'm sending all the judgemental facebitches (Reply
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Report Tue Sep 11, 2012 - 12:04 amOMG I needed to read this today. It's as if some people get it and some just don't have a clue that there's anything to get. I LOVED that FB photo and I laughed so hard reading this article. I wish all the Holier than Thou folks would stop reading things that are humorous and go back to dragging their crosses around. Take a freaking joke already, unless you're to busy home schooling the shit out of your kids!Reply
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 11:47 pm
Iris Leslie Constance Marinelli Beard. You are my hero. Even if you obviously hate children and don't appreciate the blessing of having them at home to eat all the good snacks.Reply -
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 11:20 pm
I can't STAND that kind of shit. I am on the receiving end of it all too often. How do these people get through life with no sense of humor or irony? And that homeschool mom is just straight up LYING if she can't understand why a person might feel relief at a little kid-free time. Feel free to facebitch-slap anyone you need to, and know I'll back you up.Reply -
Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 11:06 pmHilarious. Seriously. One of our senses is a sense of humor, sadly, some people are born without one. Love you girl! xoReply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:23 pmCan't we scientifically prove that taking breaks from our kids makes us better mothers? I know my hubby is happier when I get a break every now and then- surely the munchkin is too. I plan on a party on my son's first day of preschool...Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by MelissaP on Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 11:06 pm
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 11:05 pmAmen! This kind of behavior is what I rail about all the time. I am so exhausted by the annoying women out there who couldn't find their funny bones if their lives depended upon it. People take themselves entirely too seriously and it is becoming an epidemic of nosy, know it all bitches who CLAIM they love their kids more than the rest of us. I just want to say Fuck you very much. I'm a great mother even if I admit that sometimes I enjoy a break from my children.Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:53 pmThere will always be humorless stiffs in the world who couldn't laugh if you hit their funny bone with a feather-tipped hammer. I believe the "higher and mightier" they are, the lower and harder they fall. They are not worth the breath or comment space they waste. The proof will be in the pudding of their children's deviant futures. Their pious pontifications bear witness to their sanctimonious self-righteous sorry asses. Translation: Shut the fuck up, useless Facebitch. Have a nice day!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by MelissaP on Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 11:01 pm
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 11:00 pm"Mary tsk-tsked: "If she is so happy to see them go, why did she bother having them in the first place?"" How much you want to bet Mary is also anti-abortion, even in cases of rape? Nobody asked me if I wanted three kids, and I was married when they were conceived but now I'm a single mom. It's f'ing hard, and I love 'em, but hells yeah I need a break from time to time - I'm a HUMAN BEING, not a friggin' robot. THANK YOU, SCHOOL! GOD BLESS YOU, TEACHERS!!! :DReply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:44 pmHa ha! Nice. Happens all the time, unfortunately. Love your posts. :)Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:38 pmOk, after reading this, I am ready to put your t-shirt ON!! I saw that picture on Facebook and laughed, not reading the comments. But Facebook Trolls are out in force. They leave comments to start things going, they steal your photos and recipes, they can form a posse and attack your Facebook page. Suzy Homefaker fell prey to them, she lost her fb page, blog and Pinterest. others have been attacked too. They are like the anarchist of Facebook. Best to delete the comment or ignore like they don't exist, but it is very hard not to defend our turf. Love your great comments!Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:32 pmI tend to simply sigh and keep on moving when I encounter Facebitches. I figure that's better than responding the way I want to which is usually "if that stick in your ass isn't pleasing, find another hole."Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:24 pmI saw that picture and kicked myself for not doing the same pose! Having 4 boys, I can relate. So sad to know that other mothers were being mean.Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:15 pmWhen I was still married to the ex, aka FF, and lived in the big house with the pool I had a party on the first day of school and started the mimosas as soon as the last bus pulled away! Luckily someone would always wake up by 2pm to rouse everyone else so we'd be home and at least somewhat presentable before the first kid stepped off the bus. I love my kids with all my heart, I just need some Mommy time occasionally! Nobody can take a damn joke anymore!Reply
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 10:06 pm
That photo made the publicist laugh and she does not even have children. She also especially likes (she told me to type that group of words together especially for you. Especially.) the Staples commercial that sings, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" with the father dancing with the cart and the kids looking like the Addams'. There is an appalling incivility online. Some of the comments on news posts are borderline psychotic. I am glad I am a goat and all I have to do is chew my cud.Reply -
Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:57 pm"Facebitches!" OMG, that is the perfect name for them. I am so, so, so, SO sick of them. And they are everywhere. But now, instead of letting them upset me, I'm just going to scream, "Whatever, Facebitch!" at my computer screen and go on with my day.Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:48 pmIt does get tiring doesn't it? Leading up to our whirl on the Character Assassination Carousel on Ninja Mom, we spoofed some children's books in general including Babar. We cracked a rather oldy but goody joke about cousins marrying in West Virginia. We got a 2000 word diatribe on our wall discussing the history and legality of marrying cousins with quite a bit of venom thrown in just to up the ante from crazy to insane. That was so off the wall that you could definitely find the humor in it, but then other women dogpiled on scolding us for blaspheming the sanctity of children's "literature." We were told, "You're better than that." I guess no one knows what a roast is? And now that I am on a venting roll, damn this feels good, I think "The Mother Superior" is the worst! Clearly these women have no funny in their marrow, so why, why, why do they troll around humor blogs??? We did a quick post with someecards on how our kids are ignored because we blog now. It was a Monday Listicle that was supposed to be about what makes it great to be a kid. In our intro, we even said, our kids lives are so rockin' we decided to take the funny route. This passive aggressive comment still sticks out for me: "I guess this was funny, but really it just makes me sad." Oy. Great post Leslie! Seems like it needs to be posted on our FB page. :) EllenReply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:44 pmTHIS.IS.AWESOME. Three cheers for less charitable, good-humored retorts!Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:41 pmI saw that photo, liked it, and moved on. I homeschool and thought it was brilliant! 4 out of 5 days of the week I wish I could send them off to someone so that I could have a shower, read a book that isn't about Egypt or watch a little mommy porn without having to duck into the locked bathroom to do it!Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:34 pmOh Leslie, you make me proud of the state of Georgia again...after Honey Boo Boo's family gave me little hope!Reply
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Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:24 pmYou. Go. Girl.Reply
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 8:47 pm
Well - I went to your facebook page, you have a dog in your crotch. Should I call PETA or something?Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by Lady Estrogen on Mon Sep 10, 2012 at 9:14 pm
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Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 9:12 pm
HAHA.. OMG - I love when you get less charitable. I know that fabulous photo of which you speak. Whatever, obvs these Facebitches don't have adolescent girls and/or hopped up on so much superiority juice that I hope they choke on it (not in a lethal way, of course - more like when ya choke a little and a bit of vomit comes up and burns your throat for a seemingly eternal time & drinking water doesn't help at all. Yes, about that much) xReply -
Report Mon Sep 10, 2012 - 5:26 pmAmen! I can't tell you how much comments like that make my blood boil. People can be so full of themselves! I was, until last Thursday, a stay home mom to 2 beautiful wonderful smart little girls, one of which is in first grade. I love them more than life itself but I'm sorry to say I need a break at times. Crucify me if you want but hallelujah school is back in!!! No one will make me feel bad about it either!Reply
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