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Dress code: Inappropriate
I seem to have a knack for wearing the wrong thing to every single occasion.
It's true.
No matter what the event is, I will misinterpret the dress code and wear something totally inappropriate. It's a gift, and apparently I was born with it.
My mother likes to tell the story about how the mailman brought me to the door naked once as a toddler. Apparently I was playing in the front yard and my mother went inside to answer the phone or pee or do a shot of tequila and left me in the front yard unsupervised (WTF?). I stripped down to my birthday suit just as the mailman was approaching (hello handsome, is that package for me?) And he, thankfully being a decent human being and not a member of the Pedophile Society of America, picked me up and carried me to the front door saying "Excuse me Ma'am, is this yours?" Nice.
School picture day was always a battle. I specifically remember trying to wear my little brother's football jersey for my 2nd grade school pictures. Thankfully, my mother put the kibosh on that one.
At my father's second wedding, I refused to wear shoes. I was eleven. It was probably the best way I knew how to communicate my disapproval of their unholy union. Expressing my words verbally wasn't, and still isn't, my bag. I can't imagine one of my children getting away with that kind of passive-aggressive behavior, but I'm assuming my dad and step-mom were picking their battles and my bare feet were low on their list.
My cousin got married last fall in a very formal evening setting. There were women there in actual floor-length ball gowns. I wore a very fitted black, shiny, ruched, satin, knee-length dress with heels so high I was hobbled by the end of the night. I'm pretty sure one of the guests tucked a folded one dollar bill into my cleavage at one point.
And yesterday at my middle school son's Open House for school, for some ungodly reason, I decided to wear skinny jeans, a thong, wedges, and a tight t-shirt. I even asked my son before we left, "Do I look ok?" He was like, "Yeah. I guess." Good enough.
I realized my error the minute I got out of the car and saw the rest of the moms in their loose fitting Capri pants, billowy blouses, and flip-flops. They looked sporty, yet casual. I looked like I was trolling for fresh meat.
So tonight I get to take my two younger kids to their elementary school open house. I'm looking forward to sending the non-verbal message to their teachers that I am a good mother, that my children come from a stable home, that I'm efficient and on top of things, and that the school can count on me to volunteer on a regular basis.
I'm thinking mini-skirt, push-up strapless bra, tube top, and roller skates.
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Comments (41)
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Tue Aug 21, 2012 - 8:59 pm
I say work it sister! There are way too many moms at school wearing sweats, flip flops and smelling like a pack of Marlboros.Reply -
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Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 1:51 pm
"Black, shiny ruched"...now I know you're spinning the truth on this one just to make me laugh...okay and make me drool my cornflakes all over the breakfast table. There is NO WAY you could have worn that for a wedding last year. Gotta picture for me?!Reply -
4 replies, Last reply by Gigi_E on Thu Aug 16, 2012 at 2:54 am
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Wed Aug 15, 2012 - 5:53 pm
Roller skates may be a tad over the top.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Thu Aug 16, 2012 at 12:00 am
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 8:51 pmHoly wrong clothes, Batman. This is also my curse. I am perpetually underdressed. Like, 24-7. And the thing is that it never occurs to me until I'm at the wedding/funeral/shower/, at which point I spend the whole time making jokes about my clothes - like the fat kid who makes jokes about her weight before someone else can. YOU DON'T OWN ME, SOCIETY. I WILL MAKE FUN OF MY CLOTHES TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I DON'T CARE. Ahem. Anyway. I feel your pain.Reply -
2 replies, Last reply by Kristen on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 11:39 pm
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Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 5:36 pmAs for me, I like to overdress for the playground. Figures any day I actually put on an OUTFIT and makeup, I wind up at the playground later.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 10:13 pmI have the same problem I am constantly looking out of place where ever we go. Once my friend said I looked like a character out of Fargo....I am pretty sure that was not a compliment. I was wearing yellow rubber boots, a neon uv shirt, and a straw hat......Well we were at the beach I do not like wet feet and I burn easily. Needless to say she could not stop laughing. Awesome post you are always so funny.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:50 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 10:01 pmOh yea. Nothing says parent of the year like a push up and tube top combo. I'm pretty much a non-conformist (at least that's the adjective that I was chosen to represent in my senior yearbook). Dressing to impress is just not my thing. If I can't wear jeans, flip-flops and a simple blouse or t-shirt, I really don't want to go. For elementary open house, I would suggest jeans or slacks and simple top combo. Wait till the kiddos are in Jr. High to break out of your shell and push the skin flick wardrobe. At least you will be the more popular mom on the block as far as you kid's friends are concerned.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm
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Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 1:33 amI already know I won't fit in with the other moms, and for the most part, I'm okay with that. I was never the popular kid, and I won't be the popular mom. I'm sure I will be shunned by most simply for the fact my hair is never a "normal" color, and I have some tattoos...and a foul mouth lol. I am never sure how to dress, either. I'm basically a hot mess. Brush my hair? Pfft. Shave my pits AND legs? Lets not forget the part where people expect you to be places on time. Never mind the fact that we live 2 blocks from the school. Lol PTA meetings are nit going to know what hit them. Mwahaha!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm
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Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 1:54 amNo, no, no. You let your bra straps show. That's how they'll know you're really with it.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 2:32 amPictureif you will- a 3 year old girl in a Virginia airport. She looks around- spots one of a dozen or more seated soldiers in fatigues. She plops her happy butt down on the floor in front of him, grabs the hem of her skirt and lifts it high over her head. Upon seeing this, her grandmother leans in to her mother and whispers, "Hey sailor, buy me a drink?" I still hear about that one at family reunions. Guess who I was? I feel your pain, sister.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 12:24 am
Shut up! You look fabulous, always. We need tee shirts with our own personal little messages. Today mine would say - fuck you - you are lucky I even got dressed or if you think this is bad you should see me naked. Can you tell I am not a fan of the school mom clique? that would be a good one too.Reply -
3 replies, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm
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Report Tue Aug 14, 2012 - 9:00 amyou know you have problems dressing yourself when a group of your classmates grab you and shuffle you into the restroom to make some "adjustments" to your wardrobe. Yup...happened to me last year.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 6:36 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 8:27 pmI can sometimes get the clothes right. It's personal grooming that gets me. Shaved legs? Whoops. Armpits? er... Make-up? Eh? Hair washed? Oh please my highlights last longer if I don't use too much shampoo. I envy women who are coiffed and glossed, buffed and mani-pedi'd but that stuff gets shoved to the bottom of the list. I could NEVER make it in the South. Those women would eat me alive. But I saw you at BlogHer. You clean up good, you and those bodacious ta-tas of yours.Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 11:37 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 8:22 pmI know what you mean about being born with a "gift" as I too was blessed with several of those. Unfortunately, they're the kind you can't return. You always look great to me!Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:32 pm
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Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 8:14 pm
You could come and live with me in my pen. You don't need clothes here. We goats go naked. Except for our fur of course.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:31 pm
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Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 8:00 pm
I'm right with you there. What is it about that certain type of Southern Woman that they always dress right? Have you ever noticed that? I'm with you, never dressed right. Ever. I even google "how to dress right for (insert event)" and do my best but somehow it always falls short. I tend to always be too casual, but have learned not to care, now that the kids are older.Reply -
1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:31 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 7:48 pmJust do NOT go into a school EVER in workout clothes or a tennis skirt--you will be toast! LOL loved the post--I go in baseball cap, sweats and very little makeup-leave the Rolex at home.....Reply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm
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Report Mon Aug 13, 2012 - 7:56 pmTrying to figure out why on earth you'd want to send the school the message that you're available for volunteering on a regular basis... :PReply
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1 reply, Last reply by The Bearded Iris on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm
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