Dress code: Inappropriate
I seem to have a knack for wearing the wrong thing to every single occasion.
No matter what the event is, I will misinterpret the dress code and wear something totally inappropriate. It's a gift, and apparently I was born with it.
My mother likes to tell the story about how the mailman brought me to the door naked once as a toddler. Apparently I was playing in the front yard and my mother went inside to answer the phone or pee or do a shot of tequila and left me in the front yard unsupervised (WTF?). I stripped down to my birthday suit just as the mailman was approaching (hello handsome, is that package for me?) And he, thankfully being a decent human being and not a member of the Pedophile Society of America, picked me up and carried me to the front door saying "Excuse me Ma'am, is this yours?" Nice.
School picture day was always a battle. I specifically remember trying to wear my little brother's football jersey for my 2nd grade school pictures. Thankfully, my mother put the kibosh on that one.
At my father's second wedding, I refused to wear shoes. I was eleven. It was probably the best way I knew how to communicate my disapproval of their unholy union. Expressing my words verbally wasn't, and still isn't, my bag. I can't imagine one of my children getting away with that kind of passive-aggressive behavior, but I'm assuming my dad and step-mom were picking their battles and my bare feet were low on their list.
My cousin got married last fall in a very formal evening setting. There were women there in actual floor-length ball gowns. I wore a very fitted black, shiny, ruched, satin, knee-length dress with heels so high I was hobbled by the end of the night. I'm pretty sure one of the guests tucked a folded one dollar bill into my cleavage at one point.
And yesterday at my middle school son's Open House for school, for some ungodly reason, I decided to wear skinny jeans, a thong, wedges, and a tight t-shirt. I even asked my son before we left, "Do I look ok?" He was like, "Yeah. I guess." Good enough.
I realized my error the minute I got out of the car and saw the rest of the moms in their loose fitting Capri pants, billowy blouses, and flip-flops. They looked sporty, yet casual. I looked like I was trolling for fresh meat.
So tonight I get to take my two younger kids to their elementary school open house. I'm looking forward to sending the non-verbal message to their teachers that I am a good mother, that my children come from a stable home, that I'm efficient and on top of things, and that the school can count on me to volunteer on a regular basis.
I'm thinking mini-skirt, push-up strapless bra, tube top, and roller skates.