Staying abreast of alternative medicine
A friend of mine recently cured her nine-year-old son's pinkeye with breast milk. No, she wasn't nursing him at the time. She also has an 11-month-old baby who is still nursing. This same friend donated her placenta to an organization that trains search and rescue dogs, so her announcement didn't really surprise me.
I was curious though how she administered the medicine.
"Wha'd'ya do? Whip out a boob and shoot him in the face? I'm sure that didn't scar him for life," I teased.
"No!" she laughed. "I used an eyedropper...four times a day for a couple of days. It totally worked."
I was flabbergasted. Breast milk? To cure conjunctivitis? Why didn't I know about that while I was breast-feeding any of my three children?
Eager for more information, I took to the Google. If you believe everything you read, breast milk contains antibodies and immunological properties that can prevent and/or heal a cavalcade of illnesses ranging from acne to cancer.
I remember my midwife prescribing a few drops of breast milk for chafed nipples when I was first learning to breast-feed, but I had no idea breast milk could do so much more. Diaper rash? A topical application of breast milk can cure that. Insect stings? Put a breast milk ice cube on it. Wart? Apply a breast-milk poultice to that sucka. Thermo-nuclear radiation exposure? Breast milk it, Silkwood style.
Suddenly that woman on the cover of TIME Magazine nursing her 3-year-old makes much more sense to me. And no wonder that child looked so much older. Is breast milk the key to super health?
My first response when I saw the now infamous TIME cover was "WOW! Is that how women who breast-feed for an extended time period look? Because, damn, she's gorgeous." I found out later she's in her twenties. I'm 42. If I had posed for that cover, we wouldn't have needed a chair for Junior. Shoot, he could have been in the next room.
Actually, between my three school-aged children bringing home various communicable diseases on a regular basis, and my dependence on finely engineered push-up bras, I am wondering if re-lactating is the way to go.
Oh yes, according to The Google, there are herbal supplements called galactagogues that can help women produce milk, even after an extended nursing hiatus. Sounds like an evil race of Star Trek aliens, doesn't it?
But really, given the many benefits of breast milk, why not? For starters, it would be much cheaper than breast augmentation to plump up the ol' 34-Longs. Secondly, I could create a stockpile of breast milk ice cubes for my first-aid kit. And perhaps I could even put an end to my five-year-old's thumb-sucking by finally satisfying his primal urge to suckle.
Or not. At least my push-up bras don't leak. Besides, it would probably be easier to just hit up my breast-feeding friend the next time anyone in my family develops a skin condition. Something tells me she probably has a good recipe for organic free-range antimicrobial moisturizing breast-milk soap.